I have always hated this part LOL :) The awkward beginning of
telling who you are, where you came from, what your goals are, where you
plan to be in 5 yrs.... let's make this simple and start from the
beginning and get to the point.....
For the
largest majority of my life I have been overweight. It really started
when I first began kindergarten. Now I was never a super skinny kid
anyway, but I was slim. I attribute my slow climb of the scale to
decreased activity (being confined to a classroom for hours a day) and
diet of school food. What also didn't help was being raised in the
south, in the country in the south. For those of you who grew up in this
wonderful region of the country, you know exactly what I mean by saying
we celebrate everything with food. For those of you not raised in the South, here's an example: "Did you hear that so and so passed away?" "Lord no. I better go bake them a cake (or casserole etc) and take to them. What are you taking?"
You may find this strange but food is how we celebrate, morn, spend
time together, gossip, socialize and everything inbetween. Food is the
main attraction and if you are southern, you have ringside seats! Add to
that mix of being from the country where biscuits and gravy, eggs,
bacon, and sausage are must haves for breakfast. Where things are made
with butter, fried in oil and the tea is almost like syrup-
overindulgence of everything bad but oh so good, is not very hard.
Back to the middle and high school ages...actually before then. Let's
go back to just school age in general. Let me just say that your peers,
especially as a kid, can be the cruelest of all people. If you have ever
been overweight, had acne, or was just plain different- you know
exactly what I am talking about. There are things that were said about
or to me that I still remember just like it was yesterday. I can even
tell you what I was wearing and where I was standing. It takes a long
long time to get over those words, if you ever get over them. Funny
thing , the one thing that was the root of my problem, was also my
comfort when the words hurt. Or if I was angry. Or upset. Or on any
emotional roller coaster. I was and am an emotional eater and I know
that I'm not alone. There are plenty of us.
For me my journey along the road of weight loss started back in middle
school/ high school. I tried different things. Eat only this or that,
eat less, don't eat at all, take diet pills, drink shakes, and sad to
say that I even tried throwing up my food after eating ...thank heavens I
couldn't stand doing that so it didn't last long. Nothing worked for
me, and it's no surprise now that it didn't. I wasn't doing anything
right.
So through all of this, my self esteem took
a nose dive... and I mean straight down, no curve, just fell like a
rock. I always felt like I wasn't worth it. I didn't deserve to be loved
or appreciated. I always just knew that I would be left for someone
else when I was in a relationship...I mean after all I wasn't worth them
staying around. WHY would anyone want someone like ME?
Let me tell you, when you are in that part of your head I have come
to realize that you do stupid shit and rational thinking goes right out
the window. You want to feel like you are worthy. You want people to
like you and want to be around you. So you end up abusing yourself just
as bad as everyone else. It is easy to think that if other people can
make fun of you, why not just do it yourself and beat them to it. That
makes it O.K. for others because they think if you make fun of yourself
then it don't matter if I do it. Or how about being a little "easy"? Or
dress in low cut clothing or short skirts... Hey people want you, even
if it is for all the wrong reasons. We end up just pushing our own self
destruct detonator. This continued thinking of I'm not worth it and I'm
not good enough, has followed me through out my teenage years and
right on into my twenties and now thirties. Difference is, now I tell
that voice to shut the hell up... at least on most days.
SO, let's fast forward to a more present time. I have tried to get
healthy for many reasons and obviously none of them were right. I was
ALWAYS doing it for someone else, never just to make me happy. I have
had some good starts and then like most people, the motivation just left
me. Old habits and excuses got in the way. Even though there might have
been good reasons, they just weren't... enough. I used every reason in
the book to get motivated to lose weight. My husband, my kids, my
family, my health, to find a job, so people would quit staring and
laughing..... you name it I have probably used it. But see, even while a
big portion of these are great (family ,etc.), they just didn't give it
the final push over the hump. The day of reckoning came though...and
this is what this blog is all about.
This is my story, my journey to self discovery and improving my life. Come take a walk with me....
